Givers and Takers

I was talking to one of my trusted advisors not long ago, and he brought up the concept of Givers and Takers. Givers, of course, are people who seem to constantly give to others - time, encouragement, helpful (truly helpful) information, errands etc. My experience is that true givers are so good at it, that most of the time, you don't notice they're giving until you stop and reflect on it. They don't call attention to their giving, and would certainly never ask for anything in return. That's just not them. In fact, it's likely they're not even conscious that they're giving. It's just how they are.
Takers, on the other hand, take. I don't mean that they receive what the givers are giving (although they will do this), they take whether the other person is giving or not. Like their Giver counterparts, Takers are also really good (except at taking). They too are unconsciously competent, and most of the time don't even realize they're taking. When it is brought to their attention, they will consciously give back in an attempt to balance the scales, but my experience is they don't give back equitably because (as noted) they don't realize how much they've taken.

Before I go on, I want to go back to the difference between RECEIVING and TAKING. There are times in everyone's life when we need help, and there is nothing wrong with receiving that help. A trauma patient in the ER, a person fighting through a difficult time in their life, a person who is struggling to master a new skill are all in a position to RECEIVE from others. As previously noted, Taking happens even when others don't necessarily want to Give.

Back to Giving and Taking: I'm sure you can think about people you know who fit into these categories. You've probably already thought of a person or two. If someone came to mind, I'm guessing it was someone who is noticeably strong at whichever category to which you've assigned them.

What about the less noticeable?

What about you?

The person with whom I was discussing this told me an interesting story. He had attended a personal growth type conference. At one point the participants were instructed to tell whether they perceived the others as Givers or Takers. My advisor said he thought of himself as a Giver until one by one, the others in his group labeled him as a Taker. How's that for interrupting someone's pattern? He had to stop and ponder how this perception of him was formed. Of course he could have denied it, and written the others off as crazy or not completely informed or just plain wrong, but that's not him.

I'm convinced most (and the high side of most, at that) Takers don't realize they're Takers. In fact, I know someone personally who Takes by Giving. How is that, you might ask. This person does things that APPEAR to be for others, but when you really see what's going on, when you really look at the motivation, it becomes obvious that these things are done in such a way that they are ultimately done for them (the Taker). Sometimes they are done with the expectation of what will come back. I've even experienced this person meeting someone and immediately wondering what the new person can do for them. If you asked this person whether they see themself as a Giver or Taker, they would rapidly answer, "Giver", and they would point to all their good deeds as evidence.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Giving and Taking are rooted in this: Those of us who value others more than ourselves Give without thought, and those of us who value ourselve more than others Take without thought. The degree to which we Give or Take is based on the degree to which we value either others over ourselves or ourselves over others.
So, I ask again, what about you? What is the evidence for the side of the fence on which you think you fall? Are your intentions for giving similar to the person I just mentioned?

I have to admit that I was a Taker for most of my life, and I do mean most. In fact, it's been a relatively short time that I've been trying to consciously not take. Ultimately, I'd like to be a giver, but for now, consciously not taking is a great step for me. The fact that I'm aware of the distinction and conscious of my behavior is a milestone. (What do they say the first step is?)

Unfortunately for me, my Taking got to the point that it became obvious without others having to tell me (although a couple of them did anyway).

Just as a sanity check, I challenge you to survey a few people who know you well and whom you trust. Do they think you're on the same side of the Giving and Taking fence as you do?

If you're a Giver, you probably don't RECEIVE very well.  Relax sometimes, and allow others to Give to you.
If you're a Taker, don't freak out. Just start consciously NOT TAKING so much and try to consciously GIVE just to give.

Keep in mind, there should not be any condemnation in this. All personal growth begins with a tough question. This is how we maintain the Sempor Meliori.